Grief is such a hard thing to deal with. For some people, it gets easier with time. For some, it doesn’t. Grief is so difficult because you can’t really tell someone how to heal or make them deal with things they aren’t ready to. It’s just something that happens. I lost my mother in 2020. I still have days when I can’t cope with things. Just the overwhelming feeling of longing for someone and not being able to see or speak to them hurts. I miss the good memories, wish certain things were different, and wish she could see how beautiful and strong my babies are.
I’d like to think that she is up in heaven looking over my family and I; smiling at the dumb things I say or do, or being in awe of how amazing my kids are. I like to imagine that she sees everything.
My biggest issue is that it took me so long to accept the fact that she wasn’t here anymore. For the longest time, I kept telling myself that I was just in a really messed-up dream and that I would wake up soon. I was sadly mistaken. I spent the next few years drowning my pain away in alcohol. I tried to numb myself, and of course, it only made things worse.
Looking back on things, I realized I was so depressed. I didn’t want to work anymore, I didn’t want to clean, and I didn’t want to socialize with people. I spent the next few years as a hermit, often in a dark room, sleeping, not wanting to do anything. Rarely did I ever leave the house.
It took finding out I was pregnant with my second child in 2023 to finally get sober and snap out of it. My husband was so strong and was trying to be there for me the best he could, but my grief was something I had to deal with on my own. It was debilitating to me, and I never wanted my son to see me sad, so I often kept things short with him to keep my emotions under control.
After being sober for this long, I realized I have gotten so much better about it. Pregnancy didn’t give me a choice. I often woke up crying in the middle of the night because of a chaotic dream that involved my mother in some way. Then I quickly had to control myself, worrying that I would upset the fast-growing baby in my womb. I learned to cry softly and just get out my feelings.
I got back in touch with my writing. Sometimes, I write a lengthy letter to her or just write to God, asking him to renew my strength or thanking him for getting me through another day. The absolute best thing I ever did after that was allow myself to feel pain and grieve.
Adversity from the years before her passing had hardened me in a terrible way that made me feel like showing emotion was weak. I had to learn to be human again and feel. I had to learn that it’s okay to hurt and that no set time will automatically make you feel better. No matter what age you are, you need your mother. Even if it’s just emotionally, no one can comfort you or understand you like your mother. It’s just human nature.
If there’s any advice I could give to someone grieving, it’s to allow yourself to heal in a healthy way. Find something that you love to do and use it as an outlet. Get your emotions out. If you have to write for an hour every day to feel better, do it. If you only feel better working out or going for a walk, make time for that. Find something you can enjoy that doesn’t cause stress. You may not feel better immediately, but each day you will feel a little better and more capable of accepting things as they are. Just don’t hold your emotions in. In order to get better, you have to get through those hard days when you just want to cry. It’s okay to cry; we are humans. Crying feels better because, when we are upset, our brain sends a signal to our tear ducts that we need to release. Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. 💖
I know this post may have been all over the place, but I’m literally just writing how I feel, not planning a format or anything like that. I hope this helps at least one person on their journey to acceptance and peace. I hope to write a part two of this post one day. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section. Thank you.
Photo credit: Photographer Jon Sanchez (Google/Facebook)
I am so so sorry for your loss. It is a great loss and it is definitely very painful. Thank you for writing this piece.
My husband and I lost our beautiful eldest daughter in June 2023. I have so much to write or talk about her but I can’t. I am not just grieving her passing but I am grieving that my other children lost their sibling and my grandchildren lost an amazing auntie. I am grieving my siblings not being there to emotionally support me. It’s just my husband and I in the USA and our children and siblings are all in Canada.
So much of what you write resonates with me and now I grieve losing my mother too. It took me 3 years to accept her loss and I still miss her after 35 years this May 2024
Sending you lots of ❤️ and 🙌.